Change

I grabbed this from That Wife Blog, but it is what I think everyday and what I hope to do:

Some of the things I’ve said in the past hurt people in really deep ways and I want to shed the baggage that comes along with realizing that. This does not mean I recognize all of the mistakes I’ve ever made or will continue to make, or that I have the ability to own up to each and every one of them. I am deeply flawed, and within that bundle of flaws comes pride and shame, both which prevent me from being all that I want to be. I’ll keep chipping away at those stones that burden my progress, but for now I hope those I have hurt will accept the apologies I am offering up below and know that they come from the truest part of myself that I am mentally and emotionally able to lay bare.

Working

My friends have always looked at me as the feminist, self-starter who enjoys working and being successful. It's not that I no longer enjoy being successful, I just don't like what it takes to get there. I never thought I would say this, but now I understand why women just want to stay home.

I have done what I never thought I would do. I have taken a job because it is easy and more money. I recently received a promotion, but in another department. The money is really good, but the job is boring. I have taken this job in order to be able to be a good wife and mother in the future. I feel that in my current job I am too stressed and irritated to be enjoyable at home. I am no longer enjoying life.

I worry that now I will be judged for not being as successful as I thought I would be. I still have the opportunity to come back to my dream job and be extremely successful in the future, but for now I will worry about being successful in motherhood and as a wife.

I have so many opportunities afforded to me and I want to be able to take advantage of them, but now is not the time for that. Now is the time to start being an amazing wife and think about being the best mom I can be.

I hope that my choices in life are looked at as wise and responsible and that I am still known to my friends, family and peers as a successful woman.

Married Life

I have been married for 3 weeks and 3 days and it has been amazing. I have the best life and the best husband. It is not all fun and wonderful days all the time, but the experience of being married and knowing that someone is always there for me is like nothing I have never known.

I worry that I am not as good of a wife and person as my husband is. He treats me so well and really only gets mad when I do something to piss him off. But when he does get mad....look out! There is no stopping him. That is the only thing that I would change and hopes that he changes.

I get so mad so often and because he is my husband, he gets the brunt of it. That's not fair. I am truly working on becoming a better person and it is very difficult. Every time I say something and do something, I think before I say it. That doesn't necessarily mean that I listen to my thoughts, but I certainly do think about it. It's very different to know what the right thing is and to follow that.

I really want to be a better person and I always say taht I am going to work my hardest at that, and I really, truly do work on that. I work on it day and night. I guess I'm not very good at it though.

My husband is the most important thing to me in the world. I can deal with anything or anyone else as long as I have my husband. I hope it's always that way.

November

So it is November and it appears that everyone is excited except for me. It is strange, because now that November is actually here the excitement and anxiety has worn off. We are also going through a really hard time and I think that may be taking away from the anxiousness.

I was expecting November 1 to come and to be on edge everyday. Some days I almost hope that it doesn't happen because I want to enjoy it and I'm not sure I will. I think that I will feel completely differently when it actually happens, but I have been waiting for too long at this point.

There is only so much planning and wishing and hoping that I can do before the excitement is gone and I'm left just waiting. I guess I still have a little excitement because every time he goes anywhere or says anything I try to read in to it. I try and guess what he is doing and what he could really be doing.

I just hope that at this point I am not disappointed and let down because I have been waiting for so long.

Work

I have dedicated myself to work for the past two years. Whenever someone asks me what I have been doing or what I keep busy with, the answer is ALWAYS work. I spend my vacation, my free time, my holidays working. I am always tired and do not get enough time with myself or my boyfriend. I am not saying this to complain, and I do not normally complain about work. But the time has come where if I do not take responsibility for the work that I have done and the time that I have put in to this job, that I will be royally screwed.

There are micro-managers and there are managers who do not give up work. The managers who I can not stand are the ones who give you the work and then take all of the responsibility! I am a very hard worker, and I pride myself on the excellent work I do. I dedicate my life to work, and if I didn't pride myself on my work then I would be wasting my life away.

The economy is really tough right now and it is effecting everyone. I am very grateful to have a job and to have a job at a great company. I really do love the company I work for and the people here. It is extremely difficult when you get to a point in your career when you should be advancing and you love a company so much that you don't want to leave. The question is what do you do? Do I stick it out and move up when possible, or do I actively look? Don't get me wrong...I am extremely grateful for the position I have and the compensation that comes along with it. I am pretty well off in the business world.

I am not sure what next steps are....

The Internet

As proven from my previous blogs, I am really bad about keeping up on the internet. I feel like an old lady trying to keep up with the young kids. I'm only 27!

I rarely write on here. It's either because I don't have the time or I just completely forget about it. I know that everyone is on Facebook and I should probably sign on, but I have ressited so far. I figure eventually it has to just go away...kind of like MySpace did. I am on MySpace, but no one is even on there anymore. I barely have time anymore to pick up a phone and speak to someone, therefore take the time to write and interact online.

My best form of communication is through my work email and that is only because I am constantly on that. I sound so pathetic right now. The big debate...should I or shouldn't I sign up for Facebook... I probably won't do it.

Moving in with the boyfriend

I am officially moving in with my boyfriend, scary! But exciting!

I was so busy at work last week and my boyfriend decided to go look at an apartment without me. We had already looked at an apartment by the same management company so I trusted him to look at this one on his own. He ended up liking it and called me and said he wanted to take it. I told him "go ahead."

After all of the credit checks and everything else that is involved with getting a NYC apartment, we signed the lease yesterday. I finally got to see it yesterday and I really like it! It's a great apartment and I think that we are going to be really happy there. It has a dishwasher and a breakfast bar, and it's really nice.

I feel bad because the boyfriend was so excited about finding the place and moving in with me and I felt like I couldn't get into moving in with him without seeing it. He went around last weekend telling everyone that we had put an application in to get an apartment. He was hopping around like a little kid. I felt so bad that I couldn't share in the joy with him. Now I can! I am really happy and can't wait to move in together. I'm excited and anxious to just get in there and decorate (with little suprts of pink!)

I am dreading the moving part. I don't have a lot to move but it still is horrible just thinking about. I kind of just want to move my stuff and let the boyfriend move his own stuff, but I know that's mean. I just feel like it's his own stuff and not mine. I'm hoping that it will be different after we move in together and get our own stuff to decorate. I really want everything to be "ours."

Apartment Time!

We got an apartment! It is such a relief to know where I will be living. There is so much to do, but I can handle it because I am doing it with someone else. I can't believe I'm moving in with a boy! It's so scary and so exciting at the same time.

I am going to sign my lease on Wednesday and I still have not seen it. It is crazy that I am going to be moving into a place that I have never seen. I must really trust and love my boyfriend. I'm sure it's a wonderful place.

I can't wait to go shopping and buy new things. I think that may be the most exciting part!

Forgetful

I keep forgetting about this bog. I have plenty of time to write at work and never keep up with it. As a writer, I am ashamed of myself.

Danny is taking his last (hopefully!) test for the CPA. I cannot tell you how long this has taken. It has been practically our whole relationship and it is very stressful, for both of us. He is so grumpy and not fun when he is studying. I understand that he is working really hard and I truley feel bad that he has to work full-time and then study for hours, but it is annoying! I can't remember the last time we actually had a weekend to ourselves. Possibly the cruise?

I am actually looking forward to doing something fun and not stressful this weekend. I have felt so stressed for a long time, in part due to the boyfriend ;-) I need time to just relax and have fun. I'm counting on my lovely friends in Connecticut for that!

It's Been A Long Time

Wow, it has been a very long time since I have written on here, but thought it was needed. These past couple of weeks have been very hard for me. I have been thinking way too much and not coming up with good answers or resolutions. I feel like I still have a lot to figure out and thinking about it just makes it worse.

I am so lucky to have this great guy in my life. He has been the glue that is holding me together and I am so grateful for that. I just hope he knows how much I truly appreciate him. Love you Pokey!!

Sleep

After two weeks of not sleeping, I finally got a decent nights sleep. What I consider decent is probably a bad nights sleep for most people. I was only up twice last night and that was just to go to the bathroom. Though, I still have two weeks of sleep to make up for. At this point, I don't know if my body and mind will ever catch up to sleep because I am so far behind. The good thing is that I don't want to cry or scream at anyone, so that's an improvement. Next comes the good mood. Any day now...

Amy and Joey

I need to vent about Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco. This whole situation is ridiculous and we need to stop paying attention to it. They are white trailer trash and should not be given the time of day. I am ashamed that they are from Long Island. The whole thing with them getting back together is obviously a publicity stunt and they are just doing it for money. We should not encourage this type of behavior.

What type of MAN would take back a woman after she shot his wife? A money-hungry one! They deserve each other and should crawl away in a hole where no one can see them. They make me sick!

P.S. I just learned that cicada's are about to come up from the ground any day now. They are gross and creepy. Can't wait!

I Feel Like a Man Who Had His Balls Beaten

I am sitting at my desk with a cold pack sitting between my legs and I feel like a man who was kicked in the balls. I have never been in as much pain as I am right now.

I was playing softball yesterday and pulled both of my quad muscles. I didn't realize that I could be in this much pain. It is horrible. I thought I was in good shape until this happened. I am determined to get my legs in better shape and stretch more. I never want to be in this much pain again!

Jewish Guilt

I need to vent about Jewish guilt for a few minutes. As a Jew, I am entitled to do this. Jewish guilt is like no other guilt on the planet. It makes you do some crazy and stupid things. Not only do I have a very close relationship with my mother, but I have the Jewish guilt on top of that. I receive the guilt all of the time and then have the problem of giving in to it. Yes, this is a problem because I end up doing this that I would not normally do. I go back and forth in my head all of the time about whether I should do things and once I finally make up my mind... there is the Jewish guilt that comes into play. It messes me up. I end up doing things that I don't want to do and giving in to other people.

I have come to realize that mothers are not the only ones to give Jewish guilt... it's a whole conspiracy. Anyone who is Jewish can give this type of guilt. And stupid me gives in to everyone.

I consider myself extremely independent, except when it comes to other people giving advice combined with the Jewish guilt. I need to just stop telling people stuff and asking for advice. Now I look like an idiot and have the Jewish guilt to thank! The only good thing about Jewish guilt is that it is a good excuse when I do something stupid.

Really Bad Gas

I am a naturally gassy person, but this time I am exceptionally gassy. I don't know what is wrong with me... but I feel like a huge bubble of gas is inside me and won't pop.

I have my first softball game tomorrow and am extremely nervous. I am going to look like a complete moron. I figure that as long as I look cute it won't really matter.

So, I have to talk about this ridiculously hot guy who works in my company. I saw him with Paul Lo Duca when he was here and figured he was a PR guy for the Mets. Then I was just walking to the mail room a little while ago and saw him walking around with other people. He obviously works in my company. If anyone saw this guy they would agree. I wish I had a picture. He has these amazing eyes that just stare right at you and you don't want them to look away. On top of being absolutely gorgeous, he looks like the nicest person ever. I would love to have a conversation with him to see if his personality matches his looks. Then again... maybe I don't, because I wouldn't want a bad personality to ruin the looks. He's one of those pretty boys you just want to look at. Of course I looked at the ring finger... nothing there. I guess it doesn't matter though... blah, blah, blah.

Boooooring Day!

I can't wait for this day to be over. I am dragging ass like no other day. I have no desire to do anything... not that I have anything to do. It is so hard sitting through an 8 hour day with no work.

I am also looking forward to going to see Spider-Man 3 tonight. We already have the tickets and it should be fun. I'm also a little nervouse because I'm going to be meeting 2 little family members. I'm sure they will tell the rest of the family what I'm like and everything that went on. I hate kids! Just kidding.

I'm so bored that I don't even have anything to write about.

Actually Working

Yesterday was a day chock full (new favorite phrase) of work. I just don't understand how some businesses stay in business with the crappy work that they do. We are a multi-billion dollar company and the printing company can't even do the work that we ask them to. I just don't get it. It amazes me. Now I sound like a snooty executive. Score!

Today is a little less eventful. It's a lot of waiting around for work to come back to me to have to correct and send it back again. I am also in the process of writing a letter for the CEO of our company, which is huge. That is very exciting.

I am also feeling a little sick because I finished an entire bag of chips in 2 days. I have two more bags on my desk, but those will not be opened. They don't look as appetizing anyway. I don't understand how I am not a fat pig with the amount of crap I eat.

I am looking forward to going to the golf range today. I can't wait to get on the actual golf course... that takes a little more effort. I need to find someone to go with me. Though my plans are depending on someone (mother!) calling me. I love waiting around for other people... because I am so busy!

A Little Disappointed

So I just went downstairs to meet Paul Lo Duca from the Mets and he was very nice, but was not taking pictures with people. I have a very cute picture with Mr. Met, but I was hoping for one with Paul. He signed a picture for me, but I'm greedy and want more. Oh well. I guess I'll have to deal. He's very cute in person. He almost has this shyness quality about him that is very endearing. Overall, very nice and understanding. I'm assuming the whole picture thing was not up to him, but his publicists. Being in Public Relations I understand.

An Eventful Weekend

When you are 25 years old you expect the drama to stop... apparently not. This weekend was chock full of drama. When different personalties meet and mingle, things tend to happen. That is what happened this weekend. Between the drinking and the mingling, emotions errupted and tempers flared. Not a good situation. Thankfully, things have settled down and everyone made it out alive. No harm, no foul.

Now that the drama is over, I can look back and am glad that the night happened. I actually think that it worked out for everyone. We all learned who we can trust and who we can't trust, and we learned a few things about people. Sometimes the drunk nights can be a good thing... sometimes.

The Blogging Has Begun

I am officially a blogger. Yes, it has taken me this long to welcome the world of blogging, but I am doing it. I never really understood blogging and the idea of people posting personal information on the web for everyone to see. I now realize that blogging is for people who have nothing to do at work. I am one of those people.

A friend has introduced me to this interesting and somewhat overwhelming world of blogging. Everyone is doing it! I'm assuming workplaces want us to post on blogs or else they would block the site, right? At least that is how I see it.

It is Friday and I am thrilled. For those people who don't know me, I'm a little neurotic with planning and organizing. I have to have everything planned down to the minute (literally, I have the mintues written down on the pad next to me) or else I freak! I will get worried that I have nothing to do and no one wants to hang out with me. I realize that this is not the case because when the weekend comes I am always packed with a plethara of stuff to do.

Tonight is shopping night. I have things that I need to get and things that I want to get... all of which are written down on the pad next to me as well. Like I said... neurotic. Tomorrow I have something special planned during the day, but I am not willing to share that at the moment. That will come at a later time. Tomorrow night is ladies night! I love ladies night. It involves sushi and lots of drinking. Stories will come later.

I am realizing how addictive this can be. I truly could go on for ever and ever... but I won't... until I get bored again.