Change

I grabbed this from That Wife Blog, but it is what I think everyday and what I hope to do:

Some of the things I’ve said in the past hurt people in really deep ways and I want to shed the baggage that comes along with realizing that. This does not mean I recognize all of the mistakes I’ve ever made or will continue to make, or that I have the ability to own up to each and every one of them. I am deeply flawed, and within that bundle of flaws comes pride and shame, both which prevent me from being all that I want to be. I’ll keep chipping away at those stones that burden my progress, but for now I hope those I have hurt will accept the apologies I am offering up below and know that they come from the truest part of myself that I am mentally and emotionally able to lay bare.

Working

My friends have always looked at me as the feminist, self-starter who enjoys working and being successful. It's not that I no longer enjoy being successful, I just don't like what it takes to get there. I never thought I would say this, but now I understand why women just want to stay home.

I have done what I never thought I would do. I have taken a job because it is easy and more money. I recently received a promotion, but in another department. The money is really good, but the job is boring. I have taken this job in order to be able to be a good wife and mother in the future. I feel that in my current job I am too stressed and irritated to be enjoyable at home. I am no longer enjoying life.

I worry that now I will be judged for not being as successful as I thought I would be. I still have the opportunity to come back to my dream job and be extremely successful in the future, but for now I will worry about being successful in motherhood and as a wife.

I have so many opportunities afforded to me and I want to be able to take advantage of them, but now is not the time for that. Now is the time to start being an amazing wife and think about being the best mom I can be.

I hope that my choices in life are looked at as wise and responsible and that I am still known to my friends, family and peers as a successful woman.

Married Life

I have been married for 3 weeks and 3 days and it has been amazing. I have the best life and the best husband. It is not all fun and wonderful days all the time, but the experience of being married and knowing that someone is always there for me is like nothing I have never known.

I worry that I am not as good of a wife and person as my husband is. He treats me so well and really only gets mad when I do something to piss him off. But when he does get mad....look out! There is no stopping him. That is the only thing that I would change and hopes that he changes.

I get so mad so often and because he is my husband, he gets the brunt of it. That's not fair. I am truly working on becoming a better person and it is very difficult. Every time I say something and do something, I think before I say it. That doesn't necessarily mean that I listen to my thoughts, but I certainly do think about it. It's very different to know what the right thing is and to follow that.

I really want to be a better person and I always say taht I am going to work my hardest at that, and I really, truly do work on that. I work on it day and night. I guess I'm not very good at it though.

My husband is the most important thing to me in the world. I can deal with anything or anyone else as long as I have my husband. I hope it's always that way.

November

So it is November and it appears that everyone is excited except for me. It is strange, because now that November is actually here the excitement and anxiety has worn off. We are also going through a really hard time and I think that may be taking away from the anxiousness.

I was expecting November 1 to come and to be on edge everyday. Some days I almost hope that it doesn't happen because I want to enjoy it and I'm not sure I will. I think that I will feel completely differently when it actually happens, but I have been waiting for too long at this point.

There is only so much planning and wishing and hoping that I can do before the excitement is gone and I'm left just waiting. I guess I still have a little excitement because every time he goes anywhere or says anything I try to read in to it. I try and guess what he is doing and what he could really be doing.

I just hope that at this point I am not disappointed and let down because I have been waiting for so long.

Work

I have dedicated myself to work for the past two years. Whenever someone asks me what I have been doing or what I keep busy with, the answer is ALWAYS work. I spend my vacation, my free time, my holidays working. I am always tired and do not get enough time with myself or my boyfriend. I am not saying this to complain, and I do not normally complain about work. But the time has come where if I do not take responsibility for the work that I have done and the time that I have put in to this job, that I will be royally screwed.

There are micro-managers and there are managers who do not give up work. The managers who I can not stand are the ones who give you the work and then take all of the responsibility! I am a very hard worker, and I pride myself on the excellent work I do. I dedicate my life to work, and if I didn't pride myself on my work then I would be wasting my life away.

The economy is really tough right now and it is effecting everyone. I am very grateful to have a job and to have a job at a great company. I really do love the company I work for and the people here. It is extremely difficult when you get to a point in your career when you should be advancing and you love a company so much that you don't want to leave. The question is what do you do? Do I stick it out and move up when possible, or do I actively look? Don't get me wrong...I am extremely grateful for the position I have and the compensation that comes along with it. I am pretty well off in the business world.

I am not sure what next steps are....

The Internet

As proven from my previous blogs, I am really bad about keeping up on the internet. I feel like an old lady trying to keep up with the young kids. I'm only 27!

I rarely write on here. It's either because I don't have the time or I just completely forget about it. I know that everyone is on Facebook and I should probably sign on, but I have ressited so far. I figure eventually it has to just go away...kind of like MySpace did. I am on MySpace, but no one is even on there anymore. I barely have time anymore to pick up a phone and speak to someone, therefore take the time to write and interact online.

My best form of communication is through my work email and that is only because I am constantly on that. I sound so pathetic right now. The big debate...should I or shouldn't I sign up for Facebook... I probably won't do it.

Moving in with the boyfriend

I am officially moving in with my boyfriend, scary! But exciting!

I was so busy at work last week and my boyfriend decided to go look at an apartment without me. We had already looked at an apartment by the same management company so I trusted him to look at this one on his own. He ended up liking it and called me and said he wanted to take it. I told him "go ahead."

After all of the credit checks and everything else that is involved with getting a NYC apartment, we signed the lease yesterday. I finally got to see it yesterday and I really like it! It's a great apartment and I think that we are going to be really happy there. It has a dishwasher and a breakfast bar, and it's really nice.

I feel bad because the boyfriend was so excited about finding the place and moving in with me and I felt like I couldn't get into moving in with him without seeing it. He went around last weekend telling everyone that we had put an application in to get an apartment. He was hopping around like a little kid. I felt so bad that I couldn't share in the joy with him. Now I can! I am really happy and can't wait to move in together. I'm excited and anxious to just get in there and decorate (with little suprts of pink!)

I am dreading the moving part. I don't have a lot to move but it still is horrible just thinking about. I kind of just want to move my stuff and let the boyfriend move his own stuff, but I know that's mean. I just feel like it's his own stuff and not mine. I'm hoping that it will be different after we move in together and get our own stuff to decorate. I really want everything to be "ours."